For many women, pregnancy begins with joy, excitement, and immediate attachment. But for others, especially when a pregnancy is unexpected, the first emotions can be far more complicated. Shock, grief, fear, resentment, and guilt can all rise to the surface before the heart has time to catch up with what the body already knows.
Amanda’s story is a deeply honest and redemptive testimony of an unexpected fifth pregnancy that became the home birth of her dreams. After believing her baby season was over, Amanda found herself pregnant again and struggling to accept the news. What followed was a journey of surrender, humility, emotional healing, and learning to trust God’s plan even when it looked nothing like her own.
In this episode of the Pain Free Birth Podcast, Amanda shares how God softened her heart toward her baby, restored joy to her pregnancy, and answered the quiet prayer she carried for a peaceful home water birth. Her story offers hope for women navigating unexpected pregnancy, struggling to bond with their baby, preparing for physiological birth, or learning to release fear and trust the way God designed the body to give birth.
An Unexpected Fifth Pregnancy After Finally Feeling Done
Amanda had already experienced pregnancy and birth four times. After her fourth baby, she believed that chapter of her life was closing. While part of her grieved the end of newborn days and the season of carrying babies, she had finally reached a place of acceptance. She had made peace with the idea that her family was complete and that her days of pregnancy were behind her.
That sense of closure came after visiting her sister-in-law’s newborn twins in the hospital. Amanda held the babies, loved them, and then realized she was able to hand them back without the ache she had felt before. It felt like a turning point. For the first time, she could say she was okay being done.
Then, only a couple of months later, she took a pregnancy test and saw two strong lines. Her husband was not home when she took the test, and she initially expected it to be negative. When she returned to the bathroom and saw that it was clearly positive, she was stunned. Instead of feeling the immediate joy she had felt with her other pregnancies, Amanda began to cry.
When the First Response Is Not Joy
Amanda’s reaction to the pregnancy was difficult for her to process. Every other positive pregnancy test had brought happiness, excitement, and anticipation. This time, her emotions felt dark and heavy. She was upset, overwhelmed, and angry. Then she felt guilty for being upset at all.
This inner conflict became one of the hardest parts of the pregnancy. Amanda knew that motherhood was a gift. She knew that many women longed for the very thing she was struggling to accept. She had friends and family members who had walked through infertility, loss, and longing, which made her own emotions feel even more shameful.
Because of that shame, Amanda hid how she was really feeling. For much of the first half of her pregnancy, when people asked how things were going, she told them she was happy and excited. On the outside, she gave the answer she thought she was supposed to give. On the inside, she was grieving, confused, and wrestling with God’s plan.
The Pressure to Pretend Everything Is Fine
Many women can relate to Amanda’s experience, even if they have never said it out loud. In Christian circles especially, there can be pressure to respond to pregnancy with immediate gratitude and joy. Babies are blessings, and pregnancy is sacred, so women often feel there is no room to admit fear, disappointment, or resistance.
But honest emotions do not mean a woman is ungrateful. They often reveal places in the heart where expectations, grief, fear, and control are being confronted. For Amanda, the unexpected pregnancy disrupted the vision she had for her family and the season of life she thought she was entering. She had prayed for God to help her accept being done with babies, and just as she felt peace, she became pregnant again.
That timing felt confusing and even painful. Amanda found herself upset with God and looking for someone to blame. She felt frustrated with her husband and carried resentment that began to affect their marriage. The pregnancy was not only physically difficult, it also became emotionally and spiritually exposing.
Learning to Humble Herself and Surrender
Amanda describes humility as the central theme of her pregnancy and birth. Again and again, she was brought to the end of herself. She realized she could not force herself into joy through willpower. She could not manufacture attachment. She could not simply decide to stop feeling what she was feeling.
Around 25 to 30 weeks, Amanda began talking with a therapist because she knew she was not okay. Her emotions around the pregnancy had become too heavy to carry alone, and the tension in her marriage had become too obvious to ignore. During one conversation, her therapist gently but directly told her that she needed to stop blaming her husband.
That moment became a turning point. Amanda began to see how resentment had taken root and how it was stealing joy from her pregnancy. She also recognized that the conflict was not just relational, it was spiritual. What began as disappointment and grief had grown into accusation, division, and distance.
The Overnight Heart Shift That Changed Everything
When Amanda finally laid down the blame and humbled herself before God, something changed. She describes it as an almost overnight shift. The pride, resentment, and resistance began to fall away, and her heart softened toward the baby she was carrying.
This was especially meaningful because bonding had felt easy with her other pregnancies. With her first four babies, attachment came naturally and immediately. With this baby, Amanda had to fight for connection, and the delay brought its own grief. She worried about whether her negative emotions were affecting her baby and whether the months of struggle had caused harm.
But as she surrendered, she began to trust God with that too. She could not go back and rewrite the first part of the pregnancy, but she could invite God into the rest of the story. After her heart shifted, Amanda began intentionally speaking love over her baby. She would place her hands on her belly and say, “I love you” and “I am so thankful for you.”
Redemption for the Mom Who Struggles to Bond
Amanda’s story is especially powerful for women who feel guilt or fear because they did not bond with their baby right away. Prenatal bonding matters, and babies are deeply connected to their mothers. At the same time, redemption is real. A hard beginning does not have to define the entire relationship.
Amanda’s son is now loved deeply by her and by their whole family. She describes him as sweet, easy to love, and perfectly woven into their home. When she looks at him now, she sees the goodness of God’s plan and the beauty of a child she cannot imagine living without.
This part of her story gives women permission to be honest without staying stuck in shame. If a mother is struggling to accept a pregnancy or connect with her baby, she does not need to pretend everything is fine. She can bring the truth to God, ask Him for help, and trust that He is able to heal what feels tender or broken.
Choosing Midwifery Care After Four Hospital Births
Amanda’s first four babies were born in the hospital. Those births were relatively uncomplicated, and she did not describe them as terrible. However, they also were not deeply personal or empowering. With her previous pregnancies, she had an OB, but the doctor who delivered her baby was never actually the doctor she had known throughout pregnancy.
For her fifth pregnancy, Amanda decided to choose a midwife. She wanted care that felt more personal, relational, and aligned with the kind of birth she hoped for. She specifically prayed for a Christian midwife, someone who would bring calm, faith, and trust into the experience.
At first, the midwifery practice told Amanda that the midwife she wanted would not be available around her due date because of a planned vacation. Amanda prayed that God would either provide another Christian midwife or somehow make a way for this specific midwife to care for her. A couple of days later, the practice called back and told her the midwife had changed her vacation and could take her after all.
Secretly Wanting a Home Birth
Although Amanda planned to give birth at the hospital, she secretly wanted a home birth. After four hospital births, she felt drawn to the idea of giving birth at home, but fear held her back. She described herself as someone who can be anxious and think through every possible scenario, which made it difficult to fully commit to home birth.
Her husband was also nervous about the idea. He was willing to support whatever Amanda wanted, but he admitted that home birth made him uneasy. Amanda knew that if he felt anxious during labor, she would likely feed off his energy, so they decided to plan for the hospital.
Even so, Amanda continued praying. Her prayer was that God would either change both of their hearts so they could feel peaceful about home birth, or that labor would happen so quickly they would not have time to choose anything else. In the end, that second prayer was answered in a way no one could have orchestrated.
Prodromal Labor and the Emotional Rollercoaster
Amanda’s previous labors had been straightforward and fast. When contractions started, they usually continued until the baby came. This fifth pregnancy was different. She experienced prodromal labor, which brought contractions that seemed real but then faded away.
For Amanda, this was mentally exhausting. She would get ready emotionally, think baby time had arrived, and then everything would stop. It made her question what was happening in her body, even though she had already given birth four times. Instead of feeling experienced and confident, she felt humbled all over again.
The night before her son was born, Amanda began having contractions that felt timeable and real. She had been scheduled for a membrane sweep the next morning, but when she woke up still having contractions, she called her midwife to cancel. She believed labor had begun and told the midwife she would call again when things picked up.
Then the contractions stopped.
When Labor Finally Became Real
After the contractions stopped, Amanda felt completely worn down. Her children kept asking when the baby was coming, and she knew she needed a break. She called her sister-in-law and asked if she could take the kids for a while so Amanda could rest and emotionally reset.
Once the kids were gone, Amanda’s husband encouraged her to take a nap. She lay down, hoping for rest, but immediately began having contractions again. At first, she assumed it might be more prodromal labor. As she quietly timed them, they became more consistent, closer together, and more intense.
Eventually, Amanda realized this was likely the real thing. She called her midwife and asked her to come assess the situation so they could decide whether to go to the hospital. By the time the midwife arrived, Amanda was breathing through contractions and sitting in a way that made the midwife wonder if she might be further along than anyone realized.
Ten Centimeters at Home
Amanda did not know whether she needed to leave for the hospital, rest, or prepare for birth. Her midwife asked if she wanted to be checked, and Amanda agreed because she wanted clarity. They set up towels on the couch, and as soon as the midwife checked her, Amanda’s water broke everywhere.
She was 10 centimeters dilated.
The midwife told her that they might make it to the hospital if they flew there. Amanda lived only five minutes away, but even that felt too far. In that moment, Amanda knew she could not move. She was not getting into the car. She was not rushing to the hospital. Her baby was coming, and he was coming at home.
Her husband immediately began rolling up the living room rug, trying to prepare the space. Amanda knew she did not want to give birth on the living room floor. She wanted the tub, but the tub was upstairs, and she could barely walk.
The Rest and Be Thankful Phase
Then something happened that Amanda had never experienced before. After her water broke and she was fully dilated, her contractions stopped. For about 20 to 25 minutes, she had no pain and no contractions.
This pause is often called the rest and be thankful phase. It can happen between full dilation and pushing, giving the mother a moment to breathe while the body and baby prepare for birth. Although it may look like labor has stalled from the outside, important physiological work can be happening internally. The baby may be rotating, descending, and aligning for a smoother birth.
For Amanda, this phase was a gift. It allowed her to get upstairs to the tub. It allowed her team to prepare the space. It gave her body a chance to gather strength before pushing. What could have felt chaotic instead became peaceful and providential.
A Peaceful Home Water Birth
Once Amanda made it upstairs, the tub was filled, worship music played, and her midwife began setting up nearby. Amanda labored in the water mostly on her own, without people hovering over her or telling her what to do. Her midwife simply told her to call when she was pushing.
This was completely different from Amanda’s hospital births. There were no bright lights, no crowded room, no coached pushing, and no sense of emergency. She was not being told to lie on her back or push before her body was ready. She was able to listen, breathe, move, and trust.
When Amanda felt the urge to push, she called her midwife into the room. Within about three minutes, her baby was born into the water. Her midwife caught him and placed him on Amanda’s chest. In that moment, Amanda remembers sitting there with her baby and repeating, “Thank you, God. Thank you, God. Thank you, God.”
Her Husband’s Shift From Fear to Trust
Amanda’s husband had entered the birth with nervousness around home birth, but the experience shifted something in him too. The calm presence of the midwife helped him feel safe. She looked at him and reminded him that he knew Amanda, he had seen her birth before, and he knew she was okay.
That reassurance mattered. Instead of framing the moment as an emergency, the midwife treated it as birth. She was prepared, calm, and confident. She also made it clear that if they needed to go to the hospital, they could. But in that moment, with Amanda complete, the baby coming quickly, and the midwife present, staying home was the safest and most peaceful choice.
This helped Amanda and her husband see birth differently. Birth was not automatically an emergency. A broken arm, a car accident, or a true medical crisis is a reason to rush to the hospital. A healthy mother in active physiological birth, supported by a skilled midwife, is not the same kind of emergency.
Her Least Painful Birth Was Fully Unmedicated
One of the most striking parts of Amanda’s story is that her fifth birth was her least painful birth, even though it was the first birth where she used no pain medication at all. She had experienced epidurals in earlier births, including a frightening complication with one epidural. She had also birthed sunny-side-up babies without effective pain relief and knew what intense birth pain could feel like.
This birth was different. Amanda was in the water, able to choose her own position, surrounded by calm, and free from unnecessary interruption. She had prepared with breathing techniques and Christian hypnobirthing tracks. She focused on gratitude, worship, and trusting her body instead of bracing against the sensations.
She still felt contractions, and she still experienced the ring of fire, but it did not feel overwhelming in the same way. She described it as intense but manageable. She was not fighting her body, and that changed everything.
Why Physiological Birth Can Feel So Different
Amanda’s story highlights an important truth about pain in labor. Birth sensations are influenced by more than contractions alone. Fear, tension, position, environment, support, hormones, and mindset all affect how a woman experiences labor.
When a woman feels unsafe, watched, rushed, or afraid, her body often tightens. That tension can increase pain and make labor feel harder. When she feels safe, supported, undisturbed, and confident, her body can release hormones that help labor progress and reduce the perception of pain.
For Amanda, breathing and surrender helped her stay present. Worship helped her remain connected to God. The water helped her relax. Her midwife’s trust helped her trust herself. Instead of gritting her teeth and enduring labor, she worked with her body as it opened and birthed her baby.
A Baby Who Fit Perfectly Into the Family
After birth, Amanda’s postpartum experience was also different from her previous seasons. Her older children were able to help with the baby in practical ways, from holding him to helping with little tasks. The age gap she once feared became part of the blessing.
Her oldest son, who had waited a long time for a brother, now shares a special bond with the baby. Amanda describes their relationship as incredibly sweet and close. Looking back, she sees that God knew something she could not see at the beginning.
The baby she did not expect became the baby their family needed. The pregnancy she struggled to accept became one of the most redemptive stories of her life. The birth she was afraid to choose became the peaceful home water birth she would choose again and again.
What Amanda Wants Other Women to Know
Amanda’s encouragement for women in a similar place is not a formula. She does not pretend there is one simple step that makes everything easy. For her, the shift came through prayer, humility, honesty, and asking God to help her when she could not help herself.
She wants women to know that they may not see the goodness of the story while they are still in the middle of it. When she was struggling, Amanda felt like it would never get better. She could not imagine feeling differently. But now, on the other side, she can see God’s hand in the details.
Her story is a reminder that unexpected does not mean abandoned. Hard does not mean hopeless. A difficult beginning does not mean the whole story will be marked by pain.
Encouragement for the Mother in an Unexpected Season
If you are walking through an unexpected pregnancy, a hard pregnancy, a challenging birth decision, or a season that feels nothing like what you planned, Amanda’s story offers a gentle invitation to surrender.
You do not have to pretend your emotions are prettier than they are. You do not have to shame yourself into gratitude. You do not have to force joy before your heart is ready. But you can bring your honest emotions to God and ask Him to meet you there.
God is not limited by your first response. He can soften what feels hard, restore what feels broken, and redeem what feels lost. He can help you bond with your baby. He can bring peace to your birth. He can turn fear into trust and resistance into gratitude.
Amanda’s fifth pregnancy began with tears, guilt, and confusion. It ended with her holding her son in the water, surrounded by peace, saying, “Thank you, God.” Her testimony reminds us that surrender is not always instant, but God is faithful in the process. Sometimes the baby you did not expect becomes the blessing you cannot imagine living without.
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